


I Knew You Once

by phoreverphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, But whatever, M/M, and it doesn't show their relationship, but phil isn't even in it, i tagged this as phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 09:06:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13900794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoreverphan/pseuds/phoreverphan
Summary: “How could you leave me here, with all these people watching me? It’s not just us anymore, Phil. There are six and a half million people invested in the details of our lives. What am I supposed to do now?”In which Phil left and all Dan can do is reminisce.





	I Knew You Once

**Author's Note:**

> this was vaguely inspired by The Sky Is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson in which the main character’s mom is an adventurer and left 15 years ago and her mom writes a letter to her every year (but doesn’t send it) and also inspired by I Knew You Once by dodie
> 
> lmao also that deh thing at the end there idek but sincerely me has been stuck in my head for like 2 weeks so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Phil Michael Lester-

It was 8 years ago. We met 8 years ago. I was just 18, a sad little kid with no friends. I spent all my time online, trying to convince myself I was enjoying university and that I wasn’t wasting my life. I spent so much time by myself, it was beginning to feel like I was the only one in the world. And then I found you.

With all the time I spent online, it was only a matter of time until I stumbled across a Youtube channel called AmazingPhil. I spent so long just watching and rewatching your videos. So long, Phil. So. Long. It became an obsession, almost unhealthy, because you were the only thing that was making me feel like I was a part of the world. You connected me to the things I was so far away from. You gave me life, as cheesy as that sounds.

And then you messaged me on Twitter, and I nearly died from excitement. You meant so much to me, and I hardly knew you. I was hooked from the beginning. As much help as you were connecting me to the world through your videos, actually talking to you helped me more than you could possibly understand. Except you did. You knew me so well, Phil. From the beginning, you knew everything.

We talked every day. I know you know that. As much as I thought I cared more than you ever would, you cared just as much. Every day. I can’t explain how much it helps to know that you cared enough to talk to me every single day. I was nothing. I don’t know why you cared so much, but the fact that you did is one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. Because then we met.

That day at the train station. Do you remember it, Phil? I know I do. I read once that the things you’re the most emotional about are the most vivid in your memory. I believe it. Almost every happy thing that I remember was with you because the happiness I felt with you was so much better than anything I felt when I was alone. I love you so much, Phil. It’s almost scary how much I still depend on that love to keep me going. You are my everything.

When we met, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. The emotion welled up inside me and I was running towards you as fast as I could. I was running into people, stepping on their feet and tripping on their suitcases, but I barely noticed. This is cheesy, but it was like you were in focus and the rest of the world was just revolving around you. You were the light, Phil. Meeting you was what had kept me going for all those weeks, and hugging you for the first time, seeing your face in person, was so worth it. The rest of my life had just been preparing me for that moment when our hands touched and I buried my face in your neck and smelled your hair. It was so much better than Skype, Phil. So much better.

And then when I moved in with you. It was like my life had turned right side up after years and years of being tilting on the edge of upside down. If it seems like I’m using too many similes, it’s because it’s the only way I can think of to express what I’m feeling. I know you understand. But still, I try to explain what I’m thinking because you’re not here to help me.

Phil. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Nothing in my life prepared me for how happy you made me. We were so close. I knew you outside and in, you helped me through everything. With you, I went from being a helpless little kid to an adult. Almost everything of value that I’ve done was with you. And now... I just don’t know.

What happened, Phil? I know I said I didn’t blame you. I know I said that it was your life to live and your choices to make. But I don’t understand. How could you leave me here, with all these people watching me? It’s not just us anymore, Phil. There are six and a half million people invested in the details of our lives. What am I supposed to do now?

In the beginning, I thought I liked you more than you could possibly like me. It was terrifying, knowing that I had fallen, and wondering if you cared enough to catch me. The day that I realized that you would always be there to catch me was so comforting. It was after one of our biggest fights in 2012 when we were arguing about being on the internet, about our relationship, and I almost left, but I didn’t. And then you came into my room with cookies and tea and we sat and made up, and it was so amazing. I knew that day that we would make it through anything life could throw at us.

I guess I was wrong. I never even considered that the thing that would tear us apart- because I thought that we would have to be torn apart- would be you.

So yes, I understand that it’s your life to live. But did you ever, just for a minute, consider the possibility that my life would be turned upside down and inside out and ripped to pieces without you?

I thought I knew you.

Dan Howell

-

Dan laid down his pen, reaching up to wipe away the tears welling up in his eyes. This was futile. Phil was gone, and there was nothing he could do about it. No amount of letters, of pleading, could reverse what had happened that day.

Phil had done something that had torn Dan apart, and Dan didn’t know if he would be able to forgive him. But Phil said he was coming back. And he had said they would get married. Buy a house. Adopt a dog. Dan picked up the letter, crumpling it into a ball and throwing it in the direction of the trash can. Maybe, just maybe, things would be alright again.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is assagettihowell if you wanna follow me there


End file.
